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Not many people know my journey with postpartum depression (PPD) because I felt “ashamed” to speak about it. But why do we feel so ashamed?
Because freaking society and its rules..
WE NEED TO NORMALIZE MENTAL HEALTH.
I was that nurse teaching my patients about PPD while I was suffering in silence. Why I was suffering in silence?.. Because I knew exactly what to say and what to do to hide it from everyone else.
Why I was hiding it? Because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and most importantly I couldn’t accept that it was happening to ME.
It all started at around 2 weeks postpartum when the lack of sleep was really getting to me… I was literally a walking zombie.
At night I couldn’t put my son down because he would just cry right away. Yes, I was that mom who slept with their baby but I was desperate for sleep.
When my son would cry at night I would cry right with him. I started to just cry and cry over every and anything.
Obviously, I didn’t see it as a big deal I thought it was just the hormones. Little did I know that it was the beginning of it all.
My next trigger was having family around. You would think that having my mother around would be helpful but in my case, it wasn’t.
The only person I wanted to be around was my husband. Every time my mom came over I would avoid her as much as possible.
I found any and every excuse for her to leave. ” mom I don’t need help cooking or cleaning”…. or “mom I can do it myself”.
Mom if you are reading this I am really sorry… It wasn’t personal. I was more embarrassed than anything and that was my way of coping.
I couldn’t be alone with my newborn… I remember a time when my husband left to run an errand (by the way my husband works from home and thank God for that).
He left and my son was sleeping in the swing. He wakes up 5 minutes later and begins to cry… The first maternal instinct is to pick up your baby and check on him/her… Mine wasn’t.
I just FROZE. I stood right in front of him while I called my husband and asked him to come home.
While I waited for my husband all I could think about was what does this baby need now? Duh… B he was either dirty or hungry…
Well for me it wasn’t that simple. I just couldn’t move. After that day I started to have random paralyzed moments.
To the point that I couldn’t trust myself with my baby and rely on my husband for all of his care. All I would do was breastfeed.
Every night before going to be I would think to myself WHY? why I became a mother, Why I brought this baby to the world?
when all I want to do is LEAVE and never come back. I would tell myself that my family was better off without me.
I would go in the kitchen and just stand over the kitchen knives and just stare and stare at them.. thinking to myself why to keep going on with this life…
My husband and baby are better off without me. They don’t need a wife that is weak and can’t control her thoughts and emotions.
I had this constant thought almost everyday.. It didn’t help that all I would do was sleep and breastfeed.
At around 6 weeks postpartum my husband pretty much kicked me out of the house so I could go get a pedicure… I never wanted to leave the house and the only time I would “put on clothes” was when friends and/or family were visiting.
Guys, I barely shower. TMI… I don’t even think I would brush my teeth or comb my hair. I literally would roll out of bed every morning and just do the same thing over and over again.
Nap + breastfeed+ eat junk food + attempt to sleep at night with a baby. This was my “schedule” until I had to go back to work.
I think if it wasn’t for work I would have continued in the same vicious cycle. In part my JOB saved me.
I literally felt like I was living outside of my body… I know is an odd feeling. Like if the person who was having all those thoughts wasn’t me but someone else who took over me..
I can’t even imagine what life is for the ones who struggle with depression every day. I SALUTE you because is not easy to get up every day and PUT ON A SHOW for everyone.
When did life start to lookup?
I can’t really explain when and how the feelings began to go away. A big turning point was when my son starting sleeping through the night.
This happened at around 6 months + we also moved him to his own room. I felt like I could breathe and began to get a handle on balancing life as a new mother.
Where to seek help for Postpartum Depression?
Depression is real and it comes in many forms. If your friend and/or family member is asking you for help. HELP THEM and if you don’t know what to do or say. JUST SUPPORT THEM.
I can honestly say that my husband’s unconditional love and support go me through it. FIND someone and SPEAK to them… DON”T suffer in silence. You are not alone. I am here if you need someone…
FIND a tribe/support group and lean on each other. I didn’t seek outside help but I wish I would have done so…
- Local support
- See a therapist
- Group support
It doesn’t matter what you do just don’t suffer in silence. There is nothing to feel ashamed of.
This was my story of postpartum depression…I hope it will inspire you to
I’m sorry guys this was a long post… But a story that I needed to talk about a long time ago… DON’T STAT QUIET. Speak up.
We need more people to open up about it because that’s the only way we can normalize it.
I wanted YOU to know my story because I hope to inspire YOU to embrace whatever you’re going through.
Motherhood is hard and it truly takes a toll. Those tiny humans are precious but they are also life-changing.
Seek support.. You’re not alone.
Let me know how I can help you